Breaking the Sails

It was about this time last year that we decided to move. The weather was warmer, the skies were bluer, and the cockroaches were moving in. We lay in bed one night under the noisy air conditioner, and I said,

"Let's move to the city."

So we did. Two weeks and a broken washing machine later, we were in a shiny two bedroom apartment that was costing us twice the rent of our old one, but it was worth it. The carpet was clean, the air conditioners worked, the sliding doors opened all the way across, and the sun shone through the windows.

Life was good.

It's not that life isn't good now, but it's that time again. There's a feeling in the air; seachange hovers over my head and I know that I won't be satisfied otherwise.

The thing is, as the years go by the world gets smaller. And I think a lot lately about how I'm labelled as erratic and unstable. I wonder if it's a bad thing. I'm not sure, because I say that I'm bored but I don't know whether that's true, or whether I'm just running. I can't figure out what I'm running from, or what I'm running to.

Whatever it is, I'm not far enough, or close enough. Not yet, anyway.

We'll move to the coast, rent a small mansion, and discover our inner surfies. I have dreams of what this is going to be like, naturally. Futile dreams from long ago that are so natural now that they can be taken for granted.

Maybe we'll work less and excercise more. Maybe we'll enjoy seafood barbeques on our balcony while we listen to the ocean waves. Maybe we'll go for midnight beach walks on warm summer nights. Maybe I'll play again.

Maybe I'll write more.

Maybe we'll like it for a while. Then, maybe next year, we'll decide that it wasn't the right decision and that it's time to move on.

But by then, it will be okay.

Yes, everything will be okay. For the first time in my life, I believe this.

I believe it because when I held my sobbing sister in my arms, stroking her ironed hair as her fat tears fell on my shoulder, I knew that if I told her this and didn't believe, she wouldn't either.

So I told her something I don't think anyone's ever told her before.

Everything is going to be okay.

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