Lend me some Sunshine

It wasn't even an argument really, I don't know what it was. But I told him I was leaving and went to bed and cried, not because I was afraid of being lonely, but because I like to cry.

I woke up in the morning with a bloody nose because I thought it was okay to sleep without my heater on. The room was freezing, and the sky was gray. The world was gray. There was a text message on my phone. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't know how he could have hurt me so much. Of course not. I had hurt myself.

I found a black turtleneck jumper in my parents room, and asked my mum if it was hers, and if I could wear it. She said she didn't know whose it was, but I should wear it because it was warm. Was she sure it wasn't either of my sisters, I asked. Yes, she said, just wear it... if the sisters said anything, she would talk to them.

In the middle of lunch a door slamming sister came into the kitchen and demanded to know why I was wearing her jumper. But I didn't know it was hers I tried to explain... my words were ignored and the abuse continued. I took it off and threw it on the floor with shaking hands, and continued to finish my lunch. I start shaking when I am angry. Sometimes, it gets really bad. Sometimes, it gets so bad that all logical thinking stops and the only action I am capable of is reaching for the closest bottle in the liquor cabinet. She left, slamming the door behind her, ignoring my father as he tried to explain the situation.

I went upstairs and cried.

My dad likes to listen to talkback radio in the car.

"Isn't Danny great?" He will sometimes tell me, referring to the guy on the show. "He's so knowledgable, it's like he knows about everything."

I don't think Danny's that great.

Today, on the way to uni there were repetitive ads on the station for a funeral company. Come to our website and plan your own funeral, the guy on the ad said with great enthusiasm. You'd be surprised at what you might learn! The first time I heard it, I was almost curious for a minute. After it played for the third time in ten minutes, I decided he was dumb, and that I didn't really want a funeral anyway.

I wanted to die alone. How would people feel if I died? Would Dee miss me? Would my life change if I knew that Dee had died, even though I haven't seen her for four years, and the only form of communication we have between each other now is email? Would I miss her, and would I cry at night thinking of all the fun we had had during high school years ago... would my life feel empty? Would my heart be sad?

He sent me a text and told me he was in the bar, and I went up and sat with him for a while. He was with Shick, talking about boy stuff that I really couldn't care about, or find amusing. I looked around, but saw nothing. I looked at the guys playing pool, and the guys in the booth drinking beer, and at the bouncer collecting jugs from the empty tables, and wondered why I was there. Wondered why anyone was anywhere. Sometimes, he would try and look into my eyes, but I was afraid to look back, because I knew I would actually see something... something I didn't want to see.

The point of being.

Radiohead was playing. I thought this was a good leaving song, so I told him I was leaving, and got up and walked away without looking back. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted the comfort of tears, but there were none left. I was all cried out.

The guy in the cafe liked to throw his tea towel up into the air, and catch it with the other hand, before he wiped the benches. I ordered a chocolate milkshake and drank half of it before realising that I didn't really want it. All the Coke machines on campus are slowly being replaced by Pepsi, and I wonder if anyone else notices, if anyone else cares.

I let him hold me in class, and drive me home, and kiss me in the car, and kiss me at home. It made me feel a little better, but it didn't make the weather change. It didn't make the sun come up, and then he was gone again, leaving me to sleep so that I could wake up and listen to Bryan Adams and cry because the world is gray, and life is incomprehensive.

I have no reason to be sad, but I am. I know that there are amazing opportunites ahead of me, but I feel like I don't have the energy to feel or care about anything anymore.

Crying because I woke up. Wishing I could sleep forever.

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