I'm a girl. This journal is almost 10 years old, when I started it, I called it Almost 21. Before that, I had a journal called Soap on a domain that no longer exists. Some things have changed since then, some things haven't. I always wanted to be a writer. I live out that dream here.
there have been letters written on pieces of tracing paper with black vivid, runaway sisters, and exchanges of harsh words. there has been a sad father who woke up in the morning, looking for a sister to drop him to the airport, but finding in her bed her stuffed dog and a pillow under the covers, pretending to be her. there has been crying, and sleeping. and more crying.
and all the while, he has been there. he has held me while i cried uncontrollably, and he has held me while i have laughed, because i think that if i cry anymore, then i might die. he has talked to another crying sister, and tried to make her understand how i feel. he has talked to a lonely mother, because she too is sad and worried, and has nobody to talk to.
i asked him not to go home. i gave him a blue and white checked blanket, and he stayed the night in the spare room, and i could send him text messages and not miss him because i knew that he was just across the way and i could go and see him if i really needed to. and i could sleep because i was happy, and tired. tired and happy. and i could wake up in the morning, and surprise him by sneaking into bed with him, where in his arms i could forget the mistakes that i have made, and forget that everything is my fault, and that i am "a cruel and heartless bitch".
later today, in an attempt to get over the lingering laziness that surrounded us, we went outside and saw two parrots on the neighbours tree, and for a brief moment i could be happy. there were parrots.
i told him that i wanted to live alone. that i didn't think that i could live with flatmates, because they wouldn't do things the way i wanted things to be done... wouldn't keep the flat the way i wanted it to be. i will want to have furniture i like. i will want to have the level of cleanliness and tidiness that i am comfortable with. i will want to be able to sleep in, and not worry about waking up to the loud beats of someones stereo. i will want to be able to use the internet, or the phone at my leisure.
but most of all, i will want to have the time to myself, to be myself. there is something about the thought of living alone, about the thought of being able to sit on your bed and stare out the window all day (seeing as many parrots as you want) knowing that there will be nobody to bother you. nobody to judge you. the thought of the peopleless induced silence. it is comforting.
sometimes, i feel like Eeyore. once upon a time, my perfect new years would have been to sit on top of a mountain, and watch the stars. by myself. i remember an episode on one of our Pooh videos, when Piglet thought that Eeyore was sad, because he would sit atop the mountain by himself every night, and gaze at the clouds. so Piglet went out of his way to make Eeyore happy, and to make him smile, and he involved everyone. but everything went wrong, and eventually Piglet gave up, and went to the mountain top one night to tell Eeyore that he was sorry for everything, that all he had ever wanted to do was make Eeyore happy. and Eeyore smiled and thanked Piglet, and told him that he didn't go up to the mountain because he was sad... look, he told Piglet, and pointed to the sky, where the clouds transformed into rivers of orange and red and sparkling waterfalls flowing into golden lakes, and there were shooting stars of many different colours, and everyone ran to the mountaintop to understand and share a piece of Eeyore.
now, there is Boy, and my perfect new years would be far more perfect if he were with me, up on the mountaintop, to hold me while we looked at stars. i love the feeling of being in his arms, so warm. so safe. sometimes, i wish i could fall asleep in them, and never wake up.
but sometimes, very rarely, i feel alone. sometimes, i like to feel alone. when i can forget everything, and everyone, and the mistakes i have made and how they will never be forgotten, and how everything will always be my fault. sometimes, it feels peaceful.
not today. today, i just feel sad. there is an overwhelming sadness under everything i do. my heart breaks a few times every hour, and i wonder when it will fix itself, and when i will be able to remember what it feels like to be happy without having to watch "10 Things I Hate About You".
he left, and i closed the door behind him and deflated like a balloon. i cried, and i slept, and i woke up and cried some more.
i want to be able to fall asleep in his arms, so that i can wake up and feel like i am a good person.