I'm a girl. This journal is almost 10 years old, when I started it, I called it Almost 21. Before that, I had a journal called Soap on a domain that no longer exists. Some things have changed since then, some things haven't. I always wanted to be a writer. I live out that dream here.
I felt very alienated.
So, I cried on the bus ride home - the bus ride I shouldn't even have been on, because Rosh had initially told me that we would be leaving on Saturday night. She had, of course, changed her mind at the last minute, disregarding any inconvience she might have caused me and others who thought she would be coming back on that night.
"You don't go anywhere with her again." Boy told me. "She is very unreliable."
I should have known better - I have known her for more than five years now, and know that she is possibly the most unreliable person on the planet, but I needed the money, and had foolishly thought that it might be fun.
Has it really be worth it? I found myself wondering at the bar on Friday night. I stood by the pool table trying to make conversation with people I barely knew, while Rosh got toasted with her fellow politicians on the $200 bar tab, courtesy of the union (yes students, this is what the student unions do with your money), evidently forgetting that I was even there.
Angus, some high strung union treasurer, had decided that I was to be his buddy and pool partner for the night.
"Are you any good?" He had asked when he first suggested playing pool. Assuming that he was after a friendly game or two, I told him I wasn't, but was keen to play. He turned out to be a competitive pool shark, who constantly made remarks like "it's in the bag" when the opposition seemed weak, or "it's okay we're still winning", when I missed a shot. He even did a "useless" cough once or twice when someone from the opposition missed a shot.
"Help me! I can't play with him anymore!" I pleaded with Charlie who stood by the corner, giggling. Then, I unintentionally sunk the 8-ball, much to Angus' disappointment and Charlie's great amusement, told Angus I didn't want to play with him anymore and tried to take refuge with the crowd at a nearby table.
Shortly after, I was rejoined by an upset Angus who had been informed by someone that I had said he was too competitive. I spent the next hour trying to reassure him, during which I decided that the trip had definitely not been worth it - money, free food and all.
Rosh had needed a speaker to do two workshops on websites for the union conference. She asked me if I wanted to, telling me I would be paid $100 for the two half hour workshops. The conference was at a university out of town, so we would have to stay overnight, leaving on Friday morning and returning on Saturday night (or so she told me then). I had been happily spending my overdraft for the past few weeks, so I agreed.
(The alternative option had been to go snowboarding with Boy, which I would have loved to do, but would have resulted in more overdraft spendage.)
Had it not been for Eddy, Shakes and Tommy showing up, I would have labelled the weekend as my worst weekend ever (well, perhaps that is being a bit dramatic, but most definitely my worst weekend over the past two years). On arriving in town I had sent Tommy a few messages, telling him I was around and would be keen to meet up, but didn't really expect to see them.
(In retrospect, I don't know why it was that I thought I wouldn't see them. My friends are not unreliable and have shown up at every event they said they would. I just place very little importance on myself, and when I sent Tommy the text messages I sent them thinking well I will tell him I'm here but I doubt they will want to see me. I am always pleasantly surprised to find that they do care.)
"I've just been brought up in a competitive environment..." Angus tried to explain to me. I nodded politely, trying to look interested. My phone rang and I grabbed it with much relief, excused myself and went outside to seek quiet. By the time I got outside I had missed the call (it had only been my mother, who left a message asking me when I was coming home because she wanted to arrange baking lessons with Barbara, or something), but had no intention of going back inside to continue the conversation with Angus.
I (literally) tripped when I saw Eddy's familiar figure stepping out of a car, and ran to envelope him in a bear hug. He had no idea how happy I was to see him.
No idea.
With much lighter spirits, I bounced back into the bar, grabbed my things from Rosh's handbag, bid Angus a quick farewell and went to join Eddy at his table (who had now been joined by Shake, Tommy, AJ, Trent and Asia).
It was not long before the time warp effect that happens when we all get together took over, and suddenly things were like they had been two years ago. Drinking without getting drunk, reminiscing about the good old days, laughing at inside jokes from eight years ago, and dancing the night away. They wanted to show me a good time (since I had never been to the town before), and took me out to experience the nightlife (two clubs).
At "The Loft" (which to me ressembled a gay bar), a happily tipsy Eddy sat down beside me and asked me about Boy.
"You know, I can't see you being with him forever, I just don't think he's the one."
I looked at him, wondering why he would say such a thing.
"But why?" I asked him with genuine confusion, at which he smiled and said,
"Oh don't worry, I'm just jealous."
I didn't know whether to believe it or not - you can never tell with Eddy - but I didn't make anything of it. Yes, had he said that to me eight years ago, I would have been over the moon, but I was beyond that now, and happily in love (I remember several times telling everyone how amazing Boy was - I tend to do that when I am under the influence).
I got a message from Rosh later into the night saying that she could not get into our motel room, because Charlie had the key and had not come back yet (Charlie was, in fact, in the room in alcohol poisoned slumber, and didn't hear Rosh knocking), which meant that I was homeless for the night. Shakes insisted that I stay at his place, an offer I gratefully accepted, and so at 4am we were scattered around his living room eating chocolate chip biscuits and watching TV.
Suddenly, everyone (except for me, I would have quite liked to hang out for a bit more) simultaneously decided it was time for bed and went into their designated rooms (I was sharing a room with Shakes' sister, and Eddy, Shakes' and his brother were in one room). I got several text messages from Eddy during the night, "Are you awake?", "I can't sleep", "Do you want to meet somewhere?" (this made me giggle, since his room was next door, and the house was quite small), but was too tired to reply and quickly drifted off.
Shakes dropped me at the motel the next morning, and we said our goodbyes. My spirits dropped heavily after they left- I really had had a good time with them and it was great to see everyone, especially Eddy, again. In the motel room Rosh told me Charlie's alcohol poisoning story (she had spent three hours the night before throwing up in the bathroom of the bar, and had had to go on the drip), and made changes to my presentation for the second workshop. She then dragged me to the conference, which was more than I could handle.
The conference the previous day had been almost enjoyable: it was the women's conference with thirty or so women lying around on blue gym mats, participating in a few interesting workshops that dealt with general issues concerning women.
The second day conference was for the entire union, with workshops on issues I had no interest in. My own workshop was somewhat frustrating. After giving the presentation, the group launched into a "planning the union website" discussion, in which I had no say and any opinion I might have had on anything was always overspoken or ignored. I felt completely stupid, and useless (although one guy did take a copy of my presentation, saying that it was great, which briefly gave me a good feeling).
Rosh was in a bitch of a mood, due to being rejected by the guy she was lusting after (he had gotten back with his ex girlfriend) and ignored any questions I asked her or told me to shut up. I became increasingly tired, bored and depressed, and when evening came and she told me she didn't want to go back that night, I snapped.
It wasn't an outrageous snap, it was a snap into severe depression. I sat in an empty lecture room for the most part of the conference, staring at the back wall. Back at the motel, I got into the double bed, telling everyone I was tired, pulled the covers over my head and stared at the darkness while everyone dressed for dinner, and Rosh went to get opinions from everyone about her "logistical problem" - me.
I felt so alone. Trapped at a conference I didn't want to be at, a conference I didn't belong at. I felt like an inconvience for Rosh when in actuality it was her, and her inability to stick to a plan once she had made it, that was an inconvienence for me. But of course, I thought (as usual) that everything was my fault.
Eventually, after conferring with everyone she came back, made some phonecalls and booked me a bus ride back to the city. She apologised continuously while driving me to the depot, and I sat silently in the passenger seat. I wanted to say that it was okay, or tell her to stop apologising, but couldn't bring myself to talk.
As the bus pulled away, I started to cry. The lonliness was more than I could bear and I called Boy. He called me back and talked to me for half an hour, after which I accumulated a headache, but felt much better. I fell asleep, and dreamt about bickering student politicians.
I don't think I have been more happier to come home from any trip in my life. Never again would I go on any kind of trip with Rosh (she always causes some kind of problem: I can be sure now that going anywhere with her will always be disastrous), I thought as I fell gratefully into my bed.
It did not take me long to fall asleep, and for the next fifteen hours I slept soundly, free of dreams of student politicians.