I'm a girl. This journal is almost 10 years old, when I started it, I called it Almost 21. Before that, I had a journal called Soap on a domain that no longer exists. Some things have changed since then, some things haven't. I always wanted to be a writer. I live out that dream here.
There are certain things that everybody takes for granted. Like if your boyfriend goes home after a night out, and you have an argument, he will be home the next morning for you to talk things through, and make everything be alright. You do not expect his body to be lying in the sea, and his car to be upside down on top of him. You do not expect to get a call at 3am telling you that he is dead.
What do you do then? You take poison and go to sleep and hope that you will not wake up, but you do.
"I hope she finds someone nice, that will marry her."
My mum says to Raj's brother and sister, about Resh. What are they thinking, I wonder? Are they thinking that nobody will ever be as good for her, as Ron was? Even Resh would think this. Everybody thinks that his or her girlfriend or boyfriend are perfect. But how do they know?
Yes, these are the things I should not take for granted, but do. I assume that if the Boy goes home after he drops me off at my house, he will be there in the morning.
Why? I don't know, perhaps it is because I see myself as the one who will be driving the car into the wall. I do not expect to face the problem of having to deal with such an event because I am surrounded by practical people.
People telling me what I should do, wear, say, how I should behave. Where I should go, where I shouldn't go. What plans I should make. People who forget that I am even sometimes there, people who just expect me to be there.
People who would never do such a thing because it is not acceptable.
[About being Fed Up]
"Would you like some more food?" My mum asked my dad late last night.
"No," My dad replied. "I am fed up." Then, he giggled.
"Everyone is fed up of your behaiviour." My mother said, while she was trying to get me up this morning.
Well, tell Everyone that I am fed up of them.
Yes, I am FED UP.
I am fed up of these people who think that they know best. Who think that the know ME, the way I should be. I am fed up of people criticizing me for who I am. So, I am mean. Yes that's me. Maybe I am even evil. But perhaps it's because you make me. Deal with it.
So my sisters are better than me. Fine, go out with them.
So, everyone elses' daughters are perfect, and better than me. Fine, disown me, call me names, accuse me.
I DON'T CARE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I am fed up to the point that I think I hate. I hate so much that I have forgotten how to smile.
So much hate, makes me wonder if perhaps I have been sober for too long.
[Yes now run along and tell my mother how mad I am at you.]